you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
