dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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