I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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