You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
