Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The best revenge is premature balding
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
