Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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