me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
