Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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