Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
