forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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