I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
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My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
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I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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