he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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