The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
