god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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