There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
