Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
