If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dick very happy bro
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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