dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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