So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
