U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
