just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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