Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Couch. On fire.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
