If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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