I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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