Screwed.edu
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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