I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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