Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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