it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
