he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
