sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
