Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
