I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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