I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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