why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
