he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
