The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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