Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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