I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
