I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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