Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
