I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
accomplished twins. life is a go
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
