Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
