You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
