Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
