So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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