Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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