theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
