I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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