i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
