If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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