So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
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I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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