May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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