I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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