I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
