i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
