Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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