i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
