the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
